


Guides to People of Westeros and Beyond

by WinterIsComing (CrystalNavy)



Series: ASOIAF Parody Collection [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:41:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21795484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/WinterIsComing
Summary: Jon Snow knows nothing.....or does he?A series of guides for various people of Westeros and beyond.
Series: ASOIAF Parody Collection [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1572154
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	1. The North

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are super chilly in the North.

1\. Winter is Coming.

2\. No, seriously, it is. Dress appropriately.

3\. If you climb high towers, you do so at your own risk. Bran, this is for you.

4\. If you attempt to slaughter a direwolf pup, remember it is the sigil of House Stark. Treat this as foreshadowing, because it is.

5\. If someone you knew grabs you by the collar upon meeting you again, take this as a sign you've done something bad to them/their family. Because you did.

6\. If you go around making derogatory comments about someone of the North, they reserve the right to call you Imp or whatever embarrassing nickname you have, and they are right to do it.

7\. If someone spits at you, the appropriate response isn't to behead them.

8\. Nor is it an appropriate response if they call you names, because chances are that you deserve them.

9\. If someone is asleep, making a loud noise until they awake is a mean thing to do. People need sleep, after all.

10\. Actions have consequences. Even if you saw a wight. Especially if you saw a wight. You fight them, not run away from them. Don't be a pussy.

11\. If you castrate someone, you are automatically assigned a special place in Hell from that point onwards.

12\. If someone entrusts you with something, don't turn around and do the exact opposite of that. Karma is a thing.

13\. If you know that someone is pining for your wife, don't trust them, period. Chances are they are plotting your demise so that they can have her after you die.

14\. Don't fall for every handsome boy you see. Chances are they will turn out to be an unrepentant douchebag 90% of the time.


	2. The Westerlands/The Crownlands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the Game is played very intensely.

1\. Being a spiteful little shit will never end well for you. Ever.

2\. 'Might makes right' is a myth. To think otherwise is setting yourself up to fail. And in this setting, failure equals death.

3\. If you persist in douchey behavior, chances are that the two most brilliant minds in the Realm would conspire to kill you at your own wedding.

4\. Speaking of weddings, if your last name is Lannister/Frey, watch your backs, for revenge is a dish best served cold. Except for Tyrion, he is cool.

5\. The same goes if your first name is Roose.

6\. If you have more than one child, love all of them equally. 

7\. When you see someone holding a crossbow, you don't throw barbs at them, because they will throw bolts back at you.

8\. Don't dabble into religious matters. It could end up very bad for you.

9\. If you murder members of your own family, don't be surprised if your child wants to join them.

10\. Or if they jump out of the window, for that matter.

10A - Writer's note. What's up with children falling from the windows because of you, anyway? First Bran, then Tommen, when will it end?


	3. The Stormlands/Dragonstone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a storm on the horizon.

1\. Child murdering is not okay, no matter what bullshit you're spoonfed to justify it.

2\. If your chief advisor is an insane woman whose God requires blood sacrifices, you may want to reconsider your whole modus operandi.

3\. Targaryen Kings were mad. You aren't. Stop doing mad things.

3A - Writer's note: And don't turn this around and say I am mad because I may or may not have Targaryen blood in my veins either. This is about you, not me.

4\. Sibling rivalry is so cliche. Don't do it. You're supposed to rely on your siblings, not antagonize them.

5\. Don't show-off your fruit-peeling skills in front of your siblings.

6\. Get that pole out of your ass. Seriously. Being honorable and dutiful is all well and good, but the excess of it might put people off.

7\. If you want a favor from someone, ask them. Politely. Don't demand it.

8\. You aren't a special snowflake. Get used to that.

9\. Your daughter isn't a witch and shouldn't be treated like one.


	4. Dorne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sand and sea and stupidity, oh my

1\. Trying to defend the most hated person in the vicinity isn't going to end well for you.

1A: Especially since the person in question isn't from your home country, even if you wish they were. Even if they are the smartest among their family.

1B: Even if you're really doing it for personal reasons.

2\. If you are fighting a larger and stronger opponent, don't play with them. You have a spear. Use it.

2A. Seriously, stab 'em in the heart. Otherwise, they will turn you into a bloody pancake.

(Writer's note: Alleras - your daughter, by the way - sends her regards. She still mourns your 'tragic death', which wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been so damn stupid.)

3\. If you must get revenge for the deaths of your father, aunt and whomever, then don't exact it on a young girl.

(Writer's note: Seriously, though, children aren't the clones of their parents. If this were the case, I would have kidnapped Sansa or Arya and got them with child, each)

4\. Instead, exact it by smashing all the Lannisters. Except for Tyrion. And Tommen. And Myrcella. They're still cool.

4A: The Stark and Targaryen soldiers would be glad to help out. So would Stannis. Just reach out to us - I mean, them, and they would arrange an assault from four sides with you, one that the Lannisters won't be able to withstand.

5\. Being a pacifist is cool and all, but sometimes, war is indeed the answer.

6\. Screw honor. My u - father was honorable, and it got his head chopped off. Playing dirty is all the rage now. 

7\. If you murder someone's daughter, and her mother subsequently murders yours in the same way and makes you watch, well, you had it coming. As much as I dislike the Lannisters.

8\. If you play with dragons, you'll get burned. Literally. You only have yourself to blame.


	5. What Is The Measure Of Stupidity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can no longer think of any area-specific 'guides', so I will be posting more generalized ones.

1\. if you do an ignoble deed, but have a good reason for doing it, then let everyone know the reason. Otherwise, many will hate you for your heinous crime and brand you with unflattering nicknames for life.

2\. If the requirement for free lessons is giving up your entire sense of self, it's a cult. Don't join cults.

3\. If you know that your relative is insane, don't invite him into your planning sessions with open arms. He'll take the first opportunity to betray you.

4\. If you must step on your own family member's toes in order to achieve your own happiness, then gaining your happiness is not worth it. Family is more important.

5\. If you committed a massacre and try to justify it by blaming the party you've slaughtered for your own deeds, then you forfeit your right to complain when someone else exacts much-deserved revenge upon you for your crimes.

6\. Patience is a virtue. Don't be impatient. If you are, no one else is to be held liable for any damages - including your brains being fried by your own brother-in-law - as a result of your impatience.

7\. If you have information that someone committed a crime, you don't tell them you know to their faces. This gives them time to act against you. Instead, spread the information among your family, friends and close allies. This way, even if you die, the others will be able to continue from where you left off.

8\. If you killed someone, don't bother to hide your involvement by blaming it on another guilty party. Don't make excuses to justify what you've done either.

9\. Mistreating someone who knows all your secrets is probably a bad idea. That person will not stay loyal to you. They would seek shelter with your enemies in exchange for their information.

10\. Look, I'll be frank: if you love someone, then don't kill his/her spouse. If you do this, then don't expect them to be grateful to you for doing so.

11\. It says something about your tracking skills that you can't find someone who is gallivanting around in the open, under your noses, the whole time.

12\. If a professional killer is willing to kill three people for you, aim for the bigger fish. Just sayin'.


	6. Targeted?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to do and what not to do when your life is in danger

1\. If you know that an undead omnicidal force is after your charge, you should get them the hell out of there, not render them helpless.

2\. Nor should you stop to have a supper and alert him to your location. He is targeting you for a reason.

3\. You should not volunteer yourself as a bait for him.

4\. Not even if you have several people willing to protect you from him.

5\. If you are said omnicidal maniac, then burn in hell. No one touches my youngest remaining sibling and gets away with it.

6\. Suicide is not an answer. 

7\. Not even suicide by cop.

8\. *angry muttering*

9\. *more angry muttering*

10\. Take a guess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That moment when your favorite character is being targeted by omnicidal undead being hellbent on killing him.....


	7. Naivety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You could call this a special chapter or something.

1\. If you want someone to do something, don't give them super vague instructions and expect them to read your mind. No one is a mind reader, even if they pretend they are. 

2\. If you make an agreement with someone, stick with it. Honor before reason is overrated these days.

3\. If you slighted someone anyway, then don't waltz into their castle without sufficient protection. Like armor. 

4\. Don't expect them to listen to you either. Some people are evil, regardless of whether you believe this or not.

5\. Friends can become enemies at the drop of the hat. Remember this.

6\. If you see someone killing your allies left, right and centre, don't just stand there looking around. Run.

7\. If someone is intentionally giving you ample time to get away, take an opportunity to do so, rather than gawking like a clueless chicken.

8\. If someone grips your shoulder in a suspicious manner, push them away. Or better yet, push yourself away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is in response to a certain episode I just re-watched. Rest in peace, you innocent puppy.


End file.
